


Stay, Go, Follow

by Kalibear



Series: Stay, Go, Follow [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Healing, M/M, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalibear/pseuds/Kalibear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People all have different ways of dealing with stress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay, Go, Follow

 

It takes them a few months to work out a system. Months of Steve being afraid to leave Bucky alone and Bucky unable to articulate when he needed space. Months of Bucky clinging until Steve almost broke from carrying the weight of their mutual issues. Neither of them likes to admit it but yeah, some of Sam’s advice was what helped them turn it around. And Stark’s tech. Stark never lets them forget that it’s his unhackable tracer in Steve’s shield that keeps the Winter Soldier from freaking out when Captain America is needed.

But it’s Sam’s simple system of “stay, go or follow” that helped Steve and Bucky the most.

Captain America comes back from missions and needs his time as Steve. Most of the time that means movies and take out with the team but sometimes it means a ball cap, khakis and wandering around the city with his sketchbook.

And sometimes missions go bad and Steve needs something else.

Bucky can see the tension, the anger in Steve as soon as he stalks off the jet. He’s not allowed near the mission reports or debriefs yet but JARVIS always shows him a quick shot of the team disembarking so he can do his own injury assessment. Satisfied that there were no major injuries, Bucky returns to How It’s Made and waits for Steve. He never sleeps well when Steve is gone and usually marathons TV, napping when he can.

Steve is on the phone as he enters their apartment in the Tower.

“Hey Mags, it’s Steve. I know it’s short notice but do you have anyone looking for a little practice?” Steve runs his free hand over Bucky’s head as he passes, heading to the shower. Bucky catches his hand without looking away from the TV and gives it a squeeze. “Great! I’ll see you at 11. No, thank you, Maggie. Bye!”

Twenty minutes later, just as Bucky is watching someone put the finishing touches on a (creepy as fuck, in his opinion) wax figure, Steve joins him on the couch. Slumping a little, resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder, Steve lets out a long sigh.

“We lose anyone?”

“Yeah, two.”

“Bad intel?”

“Sort of. Place was abandoned, as we thought. But a couple of agents forgot that Hydra likes to leave surprises and we lost people we shouldn’t have.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Together they learn how guitars and aluminum canoes and parachutes are made. To all outward appearance, Steve is relaxed, almost sleepy but Bucky can feel the coiled energy, the anticipation. At the end of the next episode, Bucky reaches for the remote and turns off the TV.

“Time for you to go meet Maggie?”

“Just about. What about you? Stay, go or follow?”

It used to take Bucky hours, even days to figure it out. Stay, safe in the Tower, knowing JARVIS will alert Steve if he goes still too long or if the panic hits. Go, out into the world, interact, meet Steve’s other, non-Avengers friends. Or follow, watch, be a ghost, be invisible, out in the world but not a part of it 

Most times now, he just needs a few minutes. They’ve worked out that he needs a bit more lead time for new experiences, for first times and unfamiliar environments. He runs through that internal checklist Sam gave him. Was he rested? Hungry? What was he feeling? Anxious? Restless? It took him a long time to relearn the sensations of his own body, to untangle and reclaim his own feelings.

“Follow” he decides. He wants off the couch, out of the Tower but it’s not a day for small talk, for trying to find more of Bucky inside the Winter Soldier.

“Okay, you know where Mags’s place is. I’ll be a few hours but we can grab supper when I’m done?”

The silence used to drive Steve nuts. He always thought that he had said something wrong, always rushed to give Bucky another option, an easy way to say no. Now he waits for Bucky’s nod, the acknowledgement of the question, not an answer, not yet, before he gets up to exchange sweats for jeans and to put on a t-shirt with a few less holes. He finally got Tony to stop stocking his closet with new clothes but it might be time to put in an order.

Bucky has his feet up on the coffee table, head back and eyes closed when Steve returns. He doesn’t move as Steve approaches but he has his answer. “Thai. Out.”

“Sounds good.” Steve runs a hand over Bucky’s head again. He likes this haircut. It’s not the short, wartime cut that Bucky had and not the long, stringy look of the Winter Soldier. It’s halfway between the two in length and something new. It helps both of them. He gives Bucky’s hair a gentle tug and smiles as Buck leans into the touch. “I’ll see you soon.”

Bucky listens as Steve leaves, enjoys the momentary peace in his own head, the peace of knowing Steve is back, is safe, knowing that he, Bucky, is safe, safe to go out into the world with Steve to stand between him and any threat. Or him and anyone he may threaten. He showers and gets dressed, makes a coffee, finds his wallet and phone and lastly slips a simple silver band on the third finger of his right hand. Steve had been outraged when Stark first suggested that Bucky wear a tracking device. It took a while to find the words but eventually Bucky made him understand that it was a comfort, knowing that Steve could find him. And both of them felt better when Stark explained the panic feature. Bucky just has to press on a certain spot and all the Avengers get an emergency call to his location. Steve likes to think he’d use it if he were in danger. Bucky knows that it’s for those times when he thinks he’ll be the danger.

The first model was on a necklace and Stark couldn’t keep a straight face when he told Bucky that it was for any time when he fell down and couldn’t get up. Bucky will never tell him that both he and Steve laughed when they googled the reference later. They may both be in their nineties but it would take more than a simple fall for them to not get back up. That model didn’t last past one sparing session with Steve, though. The second version was vetoed without Bucky even trying it on. He still can’t stand anything around his wrists, even tight shirt cuffs make him edgy. Thanks, Hydra.

He watches Steve sip from a coffee cup as he’s walking up to Maggie’s place. When first given the option to follow Steve (well, follow him with his knowledge and permission) Bucky couldn’t stand to be more than a few yards from him, a true shadow. He’s been slowly pushing his own limits, giving Steve a head start, trusting that there is no danger in him getting a coffee or quick snack on the way. Trusting that if Steve told Maggie that he’d be there at 11, Bucky can be perched on a building nearby and watch him walk through the door just on time.

Relaxed, even content, Bucky sat with his back against a brick chimney, face to the sun and took a sip from his travel mug.

_“I don’t care how good a caramel cream, macc-whatever is, Steve, I’m not payin’ 5 bucks for a coffee when Stark put that goddamn monstrosity in our place and pays to keep it stocked.”_

Idly he looks at the bike rack in front of the shop and sees if he can figure out who’s practising on Steve today. It had been a bad day for both of them when Steve first introduced Bucky to Maggie. Steve had just come off a bad mission, the first since Bucky’s return. He tried to work off the energy in Stark’s gym but after a few days and many, many punching bags, he was still on edge and snappy and Bucky was getting to be the same. Not a good look for two super soldiers. Natasha had finally intervened and told Steve she had made an appointment with Maggie. All Steve managed to tell Bucky on the way there was that no one was really going to hurt him, that he was in no danger.

Bucky couldn’t say what he expected, his head was too chaotic for any articulation of his thoughts but he knew he was damned surprised when Steve stopped and they were outside of a tattoo parlour.

_“This some sort of front?”_

_“No, uh, it’s just what it says.”_

_“You been here before?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“But you don’t have- I mean, I think I woulda noticed.”_

_“It doesn’t stay.”_

_“What?”_

_Steve turns and leans against the brick storefront. “It doesn’t stay. Something about the serum. I tried, before. I just needed something to hold on to and there was something about the- the pain that I needed. Two days later it was gone. Like it never had been there at all.” Bucky watches as Steve shakes off the memory. “Then I met Maggie in an art class and she was talking about a new kid at her studio who just needed practice and I volunteered. And I accidently ran into her a few days later and it was obvious that the tattoo was gone. Tony had checked her and the staff out so I figured I’d just give her the whole story. She insisted on doing a small piece herself and taking pictures to make sure it wasn’t a trick. Damn near rubbed my arm raw making sure I hadn’t covered it up.”_

_“What was it?”_

_“Just a small happy face, nothing big.”_

_“No, the, uh, first one. Before you knew.”_

_Steve turned to meet Bucky’s eyes. “What do you think it was, Buck?”_

_“Where?” Bucky asked, not looking away. Steve reached and guided Bucky’s hand to just above his heart. He feels Steve’s strong, steady heartbeat, feels him breath before he turns his hand and squeezes Steve’s. “Come on, punk, let’s go get you some ink.”_

_“I love it when you talk 21 st century to me.”_

Meeting Maggie and a few of her staff went fine, Bucky even relaxed a little as he saw Steve among friends. Stepping into the back, though, the faint smell of antiseptic, even the chair was enough to send Bucky into high alert. Maggie had been great, explaining each step to Bucky, her voice low and soothing and he could see why Steve liked her. But as soon as she turned on the tattoo machine, Bucky could feel himself drifting. Steve and Maggie had both been watching him and the buzzing stopped almost as soon as it had started. Steve gently guided Bucky to the waiting area and Maggie popped back with a cup of strong coffee, the scent masking the antiseptic and helping bring him back.

After that, Bucky never went past the lobby. On good days, he’d greet Maggie and the others and maybe pass the time with a book or just watching the customers come and go. Other days, days like today, he needed to be outside, needed the sun and the sound of the city.

He didn’t sleep, he didn’t drift and he didn’t lose time but he was still and quiet for the few hours that Steve was in the shop. He had a view of the window into Maggie’s work area and a change in the movement was enough to have him rolling to his feet. He emptied the last few drops of cold coffee onto the roof and made his way down to the street just as Steve is at the counter. He always insists in paying for Maggie’s time. She had tried to explain that he was doing her a favour, that the practice for the staff, the occasional photo for someone’s portfolio are more than payment enough but very few people win an argument about Doing the Right Thing with Steve Rogers.

“See you later, Steve! Thanks again! Oh, hey James, it’s good to see you.” Maggie was in her usual jeans and sleeveless t-shirt, showing off her toned and well-inked arms.

Bucky nodded, thankful that Maggie had a few friends with PTSD and was never offended when he couldn’t seem to find his words. And he liked being ‘James’ here, not Bucky, who he was still trying to piece together, and definitely not the Winter Soldier but just James, Steve’s friend who had gone through some bad shit. It wasn’t public knowledge that the Winter Soldier was James ‘Bucky’ Buchanan Barnes; people just know that the Winter Soldier had been apprehended and was currently in the custody of the Avengers. He thought Maggie had put it together, though. He figured you couldn’t be Captain America’s personal tattoo artist and not be open to other bits of weirdness. They rarely talked about anything that wasn’t books or Steve’s latest tattoo but once, just once, he asked if she was okay with him being in the shop.

_“Of course it’s okay, James. There’s plenty of room and half the time I forget you’re here, you’re so quiet.”_

_“No, I-, I, ah, mean, are you okay with me being here?” He stressed the ‘me’, trying to get her to understand, trying to get her to realize the potential danger she was in. They all were in._

_Maggie had glanced back, checking that Steve was still discussing designs with the new guy, Travis, before she came around the counter and over to Bucky. She knelt in front of him, just far enough away to not set off his internal alarms. “James, do you trust Steve?”_

_He didn’t hesitate to nod and she smiled._

_“Me too. And if Steve trusts you, I trust you, okay?”_

_His nod was slower this time, part of him was insisting that she didn’t know the whole story, that she couldn’t possibly know but he took a breath and nodded again. Steve wouldn’t let him hurt anyone else._

_“Okay.” Maggie smiled again and if Bucky had looked closer, he might have seen how her eyes glistened, just a little bit, with tears for him. “Okay,” she repeated, “if it’s all right with you, I would like to give you a hug because I’m a hugger and I might sneak a quick peck on the cheek because you are hot like fire.”_

_And Bucky couldn’t quite meet her eyes but he smiled, just a little one, and nodded and her arms came up slowly, held him lightly and true to her word, he felt soft lips just ghost over his cheek. “I’m glad you’re home, soldier.”_

_And she was gone before he found his words._

_“Me too.”_

He watched now as she gave Steve a quick hug and part of him relished knowing that if he wanted, if he took just a few steps forward, he could have a hug like that for himself. Instead he gave a small wave; he didn’t think today was a hug day and he was saving his energy for eating supper out. He and Sam had worked out that he would never stop pushing himself but they could compromise with Bucky only pushing himself further on one particular thing on bad days. Today it dinner out and that was okay.

“All set?”  Two words but Bucky could hear the difference in Steve’s voice. He nods and gives the staff a quick wave as they head out the door.

The restless, coiled energy from earlier is gone. This Steve is actually relaxed, content and Bucky breathes it in.

“Are we still on for Thai?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” The words came easier and he tried for more. “So what did you get done today?”

Steve smiled and he was glad he asked. “It’s a back piece. Maggie was asked to design a piece for a customer and she wanted to see how it would look. And to get an estimate on how long it might take her.”

“So what is it?”

“Oh, um, it’s wings.” Bucky stopped scanning the street and looked at Steve. He caught the faint blush.

“Wings? Like a bird?”

“More like an angel.” Steve’s blush got darker.

Bucky’s laughter surprised them both. “An avenging angel! That’s you to a tee, Rogers. I can’t wait to see it.”

“Shut up, jerk!” Steve elbows Bucky in the ribs, a not so gentle nudge that Bucky easily evades. “And yeah, you’ll see it. No pictures, though, you know Tony will find them.”

It’s a few blocks later and they’re almost at the restaurant when Bucky finds his voice again.

“So how’re ya doin’, Stevie?”

Steve takes his time answering. He stops just outside of Thai Times. He breathes in, looks at the city bustling around them and then turns to meet Bucky’s eyes. “Better, Barnes, better. How’re you?”

“Getting’ there, Rogers. I just might be getting there.”


End file.
